Two years ago I was offered a job that required me to relocate to the Atlanta area. A major moment in my career plan that would get me in front of decision makers within my industry’s market leader. This was it, the moment I had been waiting for.
Being a communicator by nature, I made sure my spouse and I had countless conversations about the implication of the role on our personal lives, finances, and long term career growth plans. She has supported every idea, career, and fleeting hobby of mine since we first met. So this was no exception. We agreed to accept the job if it met our predetermined salary expectations.
Despite this early and often communication, the official offer brought a brief moment of betrayal, followed by fear and a flash of resentment.
How could I even consider taking her away from everything she’s ever known. Leaving behind family and friends, the career she enjoys, and transplanting her into the dangerous metro area of Atlanta.
Of all my career related relocations, this was the toughest one. Balancing my own emotions (I had my doubts too!) reassuring my spouse, and navigating the logistics of a move is a full time job.
I’m not trying to discourage you. The truth is every move will impact every person differently. It’s important to have the conversation with your partner, but as the saying goes, results may vary. We did everything right, and thankfully, we were able to avoid knock-down-drag-out fights. Allowing us to face the “problem” as a team, but it was not easy.
With that joyful disclaimer out of the way, how about I share my not-so-secret-but-uncommon approach to discussing an out of state job offer with my spouse that helped us avoid divorce and prevented a murder.
Don’t Apply For An Out Of State Job Without Talking To Your Spouse FIRST.
If you are actively searching for a new role, discussing your job search strategy, including the possibility of relocating beforehand can help prevent your spouse from feeling blindsided when an interview or offer is on the table.
Sure, with an interview rate of 14.5% for each application submitted, the odds for selection are not in your favor. Many people choose not to discuss every single application with their partner, especially when the likelihood of an interview, let alone an offer, is relatively low.
It doesn’t mean you need to detail every job applied for, but highlighting the significant ones, especially those involving potential relocations, can make an impact when it’s time to have the big conversation.
This whole article could end here if it wasn’t for the countless people who claim they discussed the job with their spouse before applying, but in reality did the classic tough conversation drive-by.
Side Note: If you’ve already applied for the job and now have an interview, you can skip to the next section. But come back to learn how it should go in the future.
Identify the “Family Approved” Locations
“Oh by the way, there was an interesting job I applied for today. It’s in the Chicago office, but it’s such a long-shot anyways. I probably won’t even get an interview. Figured there was no harm in applying.”
That is fine if you have already established Chicago as a family approved city for relocation.
But if your spouse has repeatedly said Chicago style deep dish is glorified lasagna and the only reason they call it the windy city is because the politicians are blowing smoke… you might want to reconsider.
When I first met my wife, we had a long conversation about career growth and trajectory. She understood that in my company the opportunities for advancement would require relocation to specific cities, none of which were where we lived at the time.
There were two places, San Fransicio and New York City, that she made it known she would never – no matter the salary or job title – move to.
From countless conversations and lots of applications, I’ve learned her NO list actually includes more locations than what she thought.
It’s faster for me to share the YES list: Tennessee. East Tennessee specifically. Any other option will require a thoughtful presentation, and well executed facts and figures.
She’ll follow me anywhere (so she says 😉), but the goal is not to make an executive decision for my family – it’s to ensure everyone has a voice and that no decisions are made that could be detrimental in the long run.
How to Start the Relocation Conversation
Have the conversation tonight at dinner. Since there is not a job offer on the table, you have the time to explore the topic with low pressure and have fun dreaming about all the different areas where you could see your family thriving.
Here’s a conversation guide If you need some help getting started:
“You know how I’ve been looking for new job opportunities? I’ve noticed several that could be really big for my career and come with a substantial salary bump.”
This is called a bid for engagement. Let them take you up on having this conversation. It could be a simple “oh yeah?” or it could be more, but wait to see how they interact.
“Yeah. I haven’t applied to anything yet. Most of the jobs are out of state, and I realized we’ve never discussed that type of thing before.” Again, wait to see how they want to approach the conversation.
“If the job was perfect, but it required relocation, how would you feel about that?”
You know your spouse better than anyone else. This should not be the start to a war, or an ultimatum. You are laying the foundation for future, more in depth conversations.
A Successful Interview Requires a Serious Conversation About Relocation With Your Partner.
The conversation becomes even more critical once you’ve secured an interview.
Sharing this milestone with your spouse helps manage expectations and keeps them in the loop. The interview process can be emotionally taxing, and having your partner’s support can make a significant difference.
We all know when an interview was bombed or has potential. If the interview feels successful, it’s essential to discuss this with your spouse.
What are the chances of receiving an offer?
Are there follow-up interviews?
Did they provide a salary range?
These details will help your spouse understand the situation’s immediacy and potential impact. Preparing your spouse for the possibility of an offer allows them to process the information gradually rather than all at once.
Discussing the interview’s outcome and your thoughts about it can help gauge your spouse’s initial reactions and concerns. Addressing these feelings early on is key. That way any decision made later considers both partners’ perspectives and aspirations.
Determine The Non-Negotiables Together
Deciding whether to accept an out of state job offer involves evaluating several factors.
The other week I initiated an online poll with 196 participants. The majority made themselves clear, the very first thing they evaluate when considering a relocation is Salary.
Now, a higher salary might be enticing, but it’s essential to compare it against the cost of living in the new state.
When we made the move to Atlanta, I was focused on getting my foot in the door, and we consciously made the decision to move knowing the cost of living was going to be higher and it was going to impact our lifestyle. Even though we made this choice, we were not prepared for the direct impact on our finances.
Relocation costs are another significant factor. These can include moving expenses, temporary housing, and potential travel costs for house hunting. Discuss whether the company offers a relocation package and what it covers. If your spouse is working, their employment opportunities in the new location must also be considered.
Additionally, consider the emotional and social aspects of relocating. Being far from family and friends can be challenging. Evaluate how often you would be able to visit, the availability of existing support networks in the new location, and the overall impact on your lifestyle.
These factors will help you and your spouse determine your “walk away” and “accept” criteria, ensuring that both of you are comfortable with the final decision.
Get in Front of Possible Resentment Due to Accepting, or Declining, the Job Offer
Resentment can be a killer in relationships, especially when significant decisions like relocating for a job are involved.
If you decide to decline the job offer, there might be underlying feelings of having your career growth hindered by your spouse. Conversely, accepting the offer might lead to your spouse resenting you for uprooting them from their familiar environment.
You’ve got to address these feelings head-on. Openly discuss your fears and concerns about both scenarios, acknowledging the potential for resentment and create a plan to mitigate it.
For example, if you take the job, determine how many times a year you can afford to visit family and create a budget to ensure it happens. Or, if you decide not to take the job, maybe you determine a strict schedule that allows you to look for other opportunities to advance your career that don’t involve moving. During your scheduled time for job searching, your spouse agrees to take the kids or leave the house to avoid distracting you.
Whatever you decide, by addressing these feelings proactively, you can prevent them from festering and causing long-term damage to your relationship.
Make the Decision to Relocate Together
The decision to accept or decline an out of state job offer should be made together. This shared decision-making process ensures that both partners feel heard and valued. It’s crucial to stand together in your choice, especially when times get tough. The hardest part of relocating for work, is not the actual relocation process, but the months after once you’re settled into the new city.
Weigh the pros and cons. Create a list of benefits and challenges associated with the move and discuss how each affects both of you. Come to an agreement on what is most important for your family’s happiness and stability.
Once a decision is made, support each other fully.
We have a rule in our house that after a major decision is made, WE made it together and so no matter how it impacts our day-to-day life we cannot pass blame.
If you decide to move, you have to tackle the logistics and emotional challenges as a team. If you choose to stay, find ways to enhance your current situation and continue to support each other’s career and personal goals.
Be Prepared & Stay Calm When Discussing the Job-Related Move
No matter what stage of the conversation you are tackling with your spouse, emotions are going to be high and could be unpredictable.
Enter the conversation with a clear understanding of your own feelings and be ready to listen to your spouse’s concerns and emotions. Approach it with love and empathy, acknowledging that this is a significant change and that it’s natural to have mixed feelings.
Be patient and give your spouse time to process the information and express their thoughts. By staying calm and presenting the facts of the move, you can navigate this potentially challenging conversation with grace and understanding.
Remember, the goal is to make a decision that supports both your career aspirations and your relationship. Discussing the relocation with your spouse early and often, does not mean you’ll emerge completely unscathed, but just maybe it will bring you closer together and help you make the decision as a team.
The fact that you are searching for ways to have the conversation in the first place is a big win. Keep going, you’ve got this!
